Well shit, hell, I don't know. My life is still stupid as hell and I still kinda wish I was dead. Can't get much worse, can't get much better. I think now might be the time to make a bunch of insanely poor life choices and suffer the consequences, or at least see where it gets me. On one hand I long to feel everything my ridiculous human existence has to offer so as to come to peace with my humanity and learn how to love honestly. On the other hand I hope to put myself through large amounts of pleasure and pain so as to transcend it all, or become totally numb. Either way I hope I freak out hard enough to scare the neighbors, scare the boys, scare my parents, and scare my friends. First of all, I need to learn how to hurt myself in a healthy way and ditch all of this negative reinforcement and ugliness. However old I get I still feel like an idiot 20 year old trying to be cool. Fuck me. No really, please.
Turns out my heart can only be taken once.
Last night, emotions doing an odd thing to me. Me being an odd thing.
Today, moving. Missing best friends. This is my least favorite activity and my body agrees. Always freezing, always sick, usually snowing and always for a poor reason. Who else threw up at the Post Office today? Okay cool, me neither.
Then I took a nap on the floor of my empty apartment, alone but warm.
Then I drove home, trying to distract myself from feeling like hell.
I started thinking about doing something kind for someone. And then saying something kind to someone. I realized I felt better in that moment.
Then I started crying because kindness matters a whole hell of a lot. This is the truth I experience everyday.
Does no one remember how important livejournal is or was? I did some browsing on here today and noted how many people used to write here. I also happened upon Eric Wise's journal, and of course a well of thoughts, concern, and emotion.
On another note: I used to work for the government but now I just kinda pursue art that died in me long ago, as well as silence. Still working on the silence. Reality TV is always amok in this house. That, and I need to stop hurting myself. I cant help that I want to smell heaven.
someone help me my life is a mess I hope 2012 is the end of the world for real because I don't think I can handle another year of "adulthood" please I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my life is becoming a waste of time I don't know what to do I want to be taken away I want to go away I want to do whatever I can to get rid of all this time and money and bills and other meaningless numbers I wish I could un-identify with my mind but I am stuck unconscious I can't even meditate I'm such a wreck
can I please just have a panic attack and get it over with and just skip the whole being depressed for the rest of my life deal?
om mani padme hum
body mind love wisdom whole
I can't find it.
Why are they all so pretty?
I want all of them.
Can I have you, pretty please?
Well hell what the hell do I know. Not enough. Not a lot.
Within the past month my family has told me that other family members have died, and on both accounts it turned out to be untrue. This partly has to do with my mother's fading memory, but it's still weird. Death, or presumed death (or presumed death), has a funny way of reminding me that I don't do enough. And I definitely don't say enough. I fucking love the goddamn fucking shit out of you. Like even every terrible part of you that you hate about yourself, maybe. And all the weird shit you do too. And the annoying shit. All the shit out of you. In this era it's a lot harder for me to prove howwww fucking true it is (is that even true or am I justifying my laziness and lack of creativity? I DON"T KNOW!), but I think I mean that will all of my heart and soul and it's the first thing I want to say to you on the pretense of death. The second thing is (unless you're family, especially if you're male) "Will you marry me?" because life it too short to be unromantic. I've taken the Initiative I-6669 to care about every one I encounter, if the circumstance is right. Because I actually do have the capacity to do such a thing. Anyway, they tore down the building that featured the bathroom that I took my very own senior photo in. That means that I'm getting old as dirt. Some other funny things:
I have to watch my Mom slowly kill herself, and fade. And fade. And fade.
I'm still in love with you and I don't give a give.
I'm so impatient about hot tea and coffee that my tongue has been burnt since November.
I feel a distance growing between us that I haven't been able to remedy.
ah... later... more.
Write a lot, but usually it is nothing I can say.
Such is life!
Philosophy makes my reality much more magic. Or real. But that really can't make any sense.
Now I get to be a ghost.
In every facet of my life, everyday, I keep finding myself missing. I am missing the point. I missed the deadline. I am missing my girl. I am missing love. I am missing old times. I am missing that house. I am missing the people in it. I miss my dog. I miss the way my mom used to be. I really miss my grandmother. I miss the ocean. I miss myself, in a lot of ways. I miss you.
I miss even having the chance to talk to you.
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